Offense Culture and Victorian view of women
Here in the United States of America or rather the disunited states at the moment we are living through a historical change of power. We are coming out of a very long period of power being held by for the most part older white Christian men and societal structures that systematically disempowered, oppressed and often abused women, minorities, gays, non-christians, etc., a racist, sexist, patriarchal society. That is historical fact.
There have been centuries, even millennia of suppressed anger and all that is coming out now that people feel free to speak. That is understandable.
Many groups and movements, most recently #metoo being notable, have been organized to work for equality and justice. This was necessary and deserving of support.
Having said that, I am totally sick of seeing endless Facebook posts and other places telling me that I am the enemy because I am an older white male. Prejudice plain and simple. When I say that to people they say it's justified. Okay.
----
Now the problems start to arise: it is one thing to work for equality and justice, it is quite another to come from a mentality of victimhood, blaming and shaming others as a way of taking power, seeing people as enemies, creating systems that create oppression against men, such as Title Nine interpretations on college campuses, and getting offended at seemingly anything. This does a disservice to those still suffering from genuine wrongs.
The fundamental premise of much of this way of thinking about women is fundamentally Victorian:
Women are weak and unable to take responsibility for themselves. There seems to be a presumption that if a man is rude or crude and some way that the woman takes a deep hurt which she is unable to prevent and which may cause her lasting damage.
This is not to defend boorish behavior but to suggest that possibly women are stronger than they are pictured in this manner of thinking. On college campuses there have been Title Nine cases brought on the basis that if a man pressured a woman for sex or if she had a couple of drinks she was unable to say no and had no responsibility in the matter, all the responsibility was the man's.
If we set up systems where are a woman's word is taken without any possibility of defense, as is the case on many college campuses in title 9 hearings, as detailed by Laura Kipnis in her work, then we are setting up another system of power without accountability, not a good idea where human beings are concerned.
The underlying premise seems to be that if a man pressures a woman for sex she has no power to resist, especially if she has had a drink or two. In cases of sexual harassment the presumption seems to be that if a man show sexual interest in a woman he has harmed her in some deep way. In both cases the underlined presumption seems to be that women are weak and totally at the mercy of any feelings that come up as a result of a man's words or actions. That view does great injustice to women.
Everything is totally subjective, based on the woman's feelings, and if she changes her mind or her feelings shift, then what seemed good to her in the moment, which she freely gave her consent to, can seem bad to her in retrospect and she can feel she was taken advantage of or manipulated in some way and accuse the man of some misdeed. The Aziz Ansari situation might serve as an example of this.
There are very real cases of rape and sexual harassment, things that need real protections for women but making no distinction between these and cases of hurt feelings is a huge mistake and problem.
---
To broach another topic: the culture of taking offense at anything one doesn't like hearing and trying to suppress that speech, free speech.
It is very clear to many in our society that dissenting opinions from what are now becoming dogmas are not tolerated and that offenders will be punished by public abuse, very often on social media.
And to say some things that are perhaps more controversial:
There are people who use the victim card to get what they want and to control others. Very often this shows up in family dynamics, it now seems to be showing up in social dynamics.
Again this is not to diminish the many who have suffered genuine hurt and are experiencing deep pain.
There are those who seem to take offense at any opportunity and to see the worst motives in others in any situation. The Al Franken or Bill Maher situations might serve as an example of that.
There are two very pertinent old sayings which I believe apply:
"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never harm me"
and
"it is just as much a mistake to take offense as to give offense".
This is not to justify genuine wrongs or real hate speech but taking offense when none was intended is a prescription for conflict not healing. One can correct a mistake and explaining one's position without accusing, blaming and shaming someone who intended no offense. Taking responsibility for one's own feelings is a basic tenets of personal growth.
It seems these days that there are people who see the world solely in terms of power and consequently play no responsibility on people for their own part in situations, especially for their own emotional reactions. The presumption is that whatever someone is feeling the other person caused that
So for example, again from college campuses, there are students who say that just having certain people on campus creates a hostile environment. There are many many other egregious examples too numerous to site. Again I suggest reading the Laura Kipnis book unwanted advances not just for the details about the campus issues but as an insight into the human reluctance to take responsibility for oneself.
Like it or not, there are many people in our society who have old-fashioned socially conservative opinions about women and different races and religions that we may not like. The question is do these people have a right to speak. The current answer seems to be no. There are people setting themselves up as judge and jury as to what is allowable speech and doing their best to suppress any speech they don't like. That is not a free society. What's next, trying to take away their right to vote?
America is a class Society. The values of the middle class and the upper class are usually what get the Press. Working class values are generally discounted or looked down upon.
Quite honestly I think a lot of this is being driven by middle class kids who are used to being driven around everywhere and bought everything they wanted and indulged in every way and now they're in the world they expect the same.
Let's consider people as human beings, rather than as men or women, white or black, etc.
Was the problem that white christian straight men were in charge or was the problem that:
-people who had no accountability could do whatever they wanted without fear of consequences?-
I believe the latter.
To sum up
1 things were bad for a lot of people and really needed changing. That change is an excellent thing and a society of fairness and justice for all is a great goal
Movements and groups to accomplish this are necessary and many vital and important issues are being raised and many old injustices being exposed. This is a good thing.
2 the key issues are human tendencies
A) the tendency for people without fear of consequences to sometimes act badly
B) the tendency for people to not take responsibility for their own feelings and to place the blame on others
C) the tendency for some people to play victim as a way of controlling others
The underlying premises seem to be that women are weak and powerless,
that there is almost always a power dynamic which absolves them of any responsibility for their own actions, such as having a couple of drinks and then deciding to sleep with someone, and pictures them as victims of abuse of power by men. There seems to be an idea that if a woman's feelings are hurt in any way it is the man's responsibility and he should be held guilty and punished in some way. The Aziz Ansari case gives a good example of holding the man responsible for everything.
This is very similar to the situation that prevailed for a long time in which men blamed women for everything, saying that even if they had assaulted or raped a woman they couldn't help themselves because somehow she had incited them or was a witch or something like that. It is a human tendency, not just a male or female tendency, to try and deny and avoid responsibility for one's own bad actions.
What what we really need is a system of equality that provides justice and fairness for all, not just a reversal of oppression from where before the man was believed automatically and the woman's words were discounted to a system where now the woman is believed automatically and the man's words are discounted, from a system where men had no responsibility for their actions and blamed everything on the woman to a system where women have no responsibility for their actions and blame everything on men.
That's not progress, simply a change in power and dominance
Real changes were and are needed. There were and are many wrongs that need to be corrected, but the way this is being gone about by many people in the #metoo and other movements is exacerbating the recalcitrance of many conservatives and old schoolers to acknowledge the issues. These people know that they have been marked out as enemies, that many on the left hate them and want revenge and so they defend themselves.
Nelson Mandela faced this problem in South Africa. I think the South African model provides a good example.
The real truth is:
People Are People
sometimes acting well, sometimes badly
Regardless of race creed color gender sexual orientation or anything else.
There have been centuries, even millennia of suppressed anger and all that is coming out now that people feel free to speak. That is understandable.
Many groups and movements, most recently #metoo being notable, have been organized to work for equality and justice. This was necessary and deserving of support.
Having said that, I am totally sick of seeing endless Facebook posts and other places telling me that I am the enemy because I am an older white male. Prejudice plain and simple. When I say that to people they say it's justified. Okay.
----
Now the problems start to arise: it is one thing to work for equality and justice, it is quite another to come from a mentality of victimhood, blaming and shaming others as a way of taking power, seeing people as enemies, creating systems that create oppression against men, such as Title Nine interpretations on college campuses, and getting offended at seemingly anything. This does a disservice to those still suffering from genuine wrongs.
The fundamental premise of much of this way of thinking about women is fundamentally Victorian:
Women are weak and unable to take responsibility for themselves. There seems to be a presumption that if a man is rude or crude and some way that the woman takes a deep hurt which she is unable to prevent and which may cause her lasting damage.
This is not to defend boorish behavior but to suggest that possibly women are stronger than they are pictured in this manner of thinking. On college campuses there have been Title Nine cases brought on the basis that if a man pressured a woman for sex or if she had a couple of drinks she was unable to say no and had no responsibility in the matter, all the responsibility was the man's.
If we set up systems where are a woman's word is taken without any possibility of defense, as is the case on many college campuses in title 9 hearings, as detailed by Laura Kipnis in her work, then we are setting up another system of power without accountability, not a good idea where human beings are concerned.
The underlying premise seems to be that if a man pressures a woman for sex she has no power to resist, especially if she has had a drink or two. In cases of sexual harassment the presumption seems to be that if a man show sexual interest in a woman he has harmed her in some deep way. In both cases the underlined presumption seems to be that women are weak and totally at the mercy of any feelings that come up as a result of a man's words or actions. That view does great injustice to women.
Everything is totally subjective, based on the woman's feelings, and if she changes her mind or her feelings shift, then what seemed good to her in the moment, which she freely gave her consent to, can seem bad to her in retrospect and she can feel she was taken advantage of or manipulated in some way and accuse the man of some misdeed. The Aziz Ansari situation might serve as an example of this.
There are very real cases of rape and sexual harassment, things that need real protections for women but making no distinction between these and cases of hurt feelings is a huge mistake and problem.
---
To broach another topic: the culture of taking offense at anything one doesn't like hearing and trying to suppress that speech, free speech.
It is very clear to many in our society that dissenting opinions from what are now becoming dogmas are not tolerated and that offenders will be punished by public abuse, very often on social media.
And to say some things that are perhaps more controversial:
There are people who use the victim card to get what they want and to control others. Very often this shows up in family dynamics, it now seems to be showing up in social dynamics.
Again this is not to diminish the many who have suffered genuine hurt and are experiencing deep pain.
There are those who seem to take offense at any opportunity and to see the worst motives in others in any situation. The Al Franken or Bill Maher situations might serve as an example of that.
There are two very pertinent old sayings which I believe apply:
"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never harm me"
and
"it is just as much a mistake to take offense as to give offense".
This is not to justify genuine wrongs or real hate speech but taking offense when none was intended is a prescription for conflict not healing. One can correct a mistake and explaining one's position without accusing, blaming and shaming someone who intended no offense. Taking responsibility for one's own feelings is a basic tenets of personal growth.
It seems these days that there are people who see the world solely in terms of power and consequently play no responsibility on people for their own part in situations, especially for their own emotional reactions. The presumption is that whatever someone is feeling the other person caused that
So for example, again from college campuses, there are students who say that just having certain people on campus creates a hostile environment. There are many many other egregious examples too numerous to site. Again I suggest reading the Laura Kipnis book unwanted advances not just for the details about the campus issues but as an insight into the human reluctance to take responsibility for oneself.
Like it or not, there are many people in our society who have old-fashioned socially conservative opinions about women and different races and religions that we may not like. The question is do these people have a right to speak. The current answer seems to be no. There are people setting themselves up as judge and jury as to what is allowable speech and doing their best to suppress any speech they don't like. That is not a free society. What's next, trying to take away their right to vote?
America is a class Society. The values of the middle class and the upper class are usually what get the Press. Working class values are generally discounted or looked down upon.
Quite honestly I think a lot of this is being driven by middle class kids who are used to being driven around everywhere and bought everything they wanted and indulged in every way and now they're in the world they expect the same.
Let's consider people as human beings, rather than as men or women, white or black, etc.
Was the problem that white christian straight men were in charge or was the problem that:
-people who had no accountability could do whatever they wanted without fear of consequences?-
I believe the latter.
To sum up
1 things were bad for a lot of people and really needed changing. That change is an excellent thing and a society of fairness and justice for all is a great goal
Movements and groups to accomplish this are necessary and many vital and important issues are being raised and many old injustices being exposed. This is a good thing.
2 the key issues are human tendencies
A) the tendency for people without fear of consequences to sometimes act badly
B) the tendency for people to not take responsibility for their own feelings and to place the blame on others
C) the tendency for some people to play victim as a way of controlling others
The underlying premises seem to be that women are weak and powerless,
that there is almost always a power dynamic which absolves them of any responsibility for their own actions, such as having a couple of drinks and then deciding to sleep with someone, and pictures them as victims of abuse of power by men. There seems to be an idea that if a woman's feelings are hurt in any way it is the man's responsibility and he should be held guilty and punished in some way. The Aziz Ansari case gives a good example of holding the man responsible for everything.
This is very similar to the situation that prevailed for a long time in which men blamed women for everything, saying that even if they had assaulted or raped a woman they couldn't help themselves because somehow she had incited them or was a witch or something like that. It is a human tendency, not just a male or female tendency, to try and deny and avoid responsibility for one's own bad actions.
What what we really need is a system of equality that provides justice and fairness for all, not just a reversal of oppression from where before the man was believed automatically and the woman's words were discounted to a system where now the woman is believed automatically and the man's words are discounted, from a system where men had no responsibility for their actions and blamed everything on the woman to a system where women have no responsibility for their actions and blame everything on men.
That's not progress, simply a change in power and dominance
Real changes were and are needed. There were and are many wrongs that need to be corrected, but the way this is being gone about by many people in the #metoo and other movements is exacerbating the recalcitrance of many conservatives and old schoolers to acknowledge the issues. These people know that they have been marked out as enemies, that many on the left hate them and want revenge and so they defend themselves.
Nelson Mandela faced this problem in South Africa. I think the South African model provides a good example.
The real truth is:
People Are People
sometimes acting well, sometimes badly
Regardless of race creed color gender sexual orientation or anything else.
